Ugh

[xp_dominion]

Alright, next time I'm injured, I'm self medicating. I've got a headache worse than any three hangovers I've ever had combined, without the enjoyment of the wild, barely remembered night that possibly involved a traffic cone, a case of kiwis and a stripper named Candy beforehand. What the hell are those painkillers meant for; walrus surgery?

Thankfully, I have been moved out of the hands of Nurse Ratched and back to my room before she could make good on her threats of colonic irrigation. I'm off work and the team for the next little while due to that minor breaking all the bones in my hand thing, but I'm assured that my healing factor will return it back to full function and I will be able to play the piano.

Which I'm excited about, because I couldn't prior to the injury.

Comments

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

I thought the stripper was named Kiwi and it was a case of candy?

Regardless, it is perhaps best if you do not re-read your emails.

[x-dominion.livejournal.com]

Nope, I'm pretty sure it was a Kiwi candy striper named Cone.

Wait, what? Why?

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

You were convinced you had tubes full of orange juice and something called maple bookface.

[x-dominion.livejournal.com]

Actually, that's not so bad. I mean, bizarre stoned hyperbole, sure, but at least I wasn't screaming about sponge baths and oral sex or something.

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

You also insisted you were 'fellated' by Lady Deathstrike.

[x-dominion.livejournal.com]

...

Well, that's an uncomfortable realization.

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

So either you were, and perhaps you need to have better taste in girlfriends than long-presumed-dead killing machines who from all accounts need better manicures, or you were not... but now I have a record of exactly how drugged you were.

[x-dominion.livejournal.com]

OK, what's it going to cost for this entire incident to have never happened? Judging by the emails, I was pretty generous with my opening offer of orange juice.

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

You also offered Mardi Gras beads in exchange for topless photos. Not coincidentally, today is Mardi Gras, so your timing was accurate enough.

[x-dominion.livejournal.com]

Huh. Well, in that case, you want to catch a bite? Which is Canadian for 'do you want to bring me food while I awkwardly try to use the remote control left handed?'.

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

Are you allowed to eat solids, or are you still restricted to orange juice in tubes?

[x-dominion.livejournal.com]

I am totally on solid foods. Although I can get in some orange juice for you if you'd prefer.

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

Is Canadian orange juice in bags like milk is? Because I am not sure a bag of orange juice sounds like a good idea when you have one hand.

[x-dominion.livejournal.com]

I'll find one of those plastic jugs that guys like to pick up and pretend like they're lifting weights.

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

I will pick up dinner on the way to the mansion, if you like but I insist on orange juice. You promised.

[x-dominion.livejournal.com]

I have orange juice and, like, seven months of TiVo here. We'll figure out something to do.

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

Oh, I am sure we can find something.

[x-cypher.livejournal.com]

Given that it's now on email AND journal servers?

[x-dominion.livejournal.com]

We will not negotiate with terrorists. Only red-heads.

[x-cypher.livejournal.com]

Said "terrorist" is responsible for data archival of the email servers on which said redhead's email is stored.

Just sayin.

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

I am sorry, would you like orange juice or topless photos as well?

[x-cypher.livejournal.com]

...are you offering?

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

Do you really need more topless photos after you have slept with all of New York City?

[x-cypher.livejournal.com]

It was not even close to all of New York City.

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

Oh, I am sorry, you did not decide to sleep with men? All of the female population of New York City between the ages of 18 and 29.

[x-cypher.livejournal.com]

Not even a statistically significant portion of that data set. I dated some while you were gone, which is a far cry from 'slept with all of NYC'.

What do you care anyway?

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

That is not how I hear it.

I care because it seems to rile you up when I comment on your sex life.

[x-cypher.livejournal.com]

Yeah, well, "how you hear it" is highly exaggerated.

And I get riled up over being misrepresented.

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

I like my version better, it is a nice change from moping.

You have no sense of humor.

[x-cypher.livejournal.com]

I have a perfectly healthy sense of humor. I just don't find the implication that I'm some kind of Lothario who did nothing but have sex between the time you left and the time you came back all that funny.

[x-tarot.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know you did more than have sex. You also had a fistfight with Angelo! (why?)

[x-copycat.livejournal.com]

So, if I'm understanding this correctly you broke your entire hand but at least you had a good time with Ms. Deathstrike? One has to wonder if the two are at all related and if so that is some impressively dangerous fellating there, love.

[x-dominion.livejournal.com]

I punched her in the head, my hand exploded and then they shot me up with enough drugs to qualify as Charlie Sheen's breakfast before giving me a laptop with a voice dictation program. I was set up.

[x-copycat.livejournal.com]

If you just told her you weren't into teeth you wouldn't have had to punch her in the head while she was busy fellating. Implying that it was the technology's fault is a poor excuse.

[x-dominion.livejournal.com]

That is exactly how it happened. I was lucky that Jean and Paige and Dugan were there. Otherwise, who knows how the mission might have turned out.

Go now, and spread my legend through-out the land.

[x-copycat.livejournal.com]

Yes, sir. I'll get right on that. Garrison Kane: the man who had to punch the chick in the head when she got too mouthy on him. There will be ballads written in your name. The Man They Call Kane, amongst others.

[x-dominion.livejournal.com]

It's not A Boy Named Sue, but I'll take it.

[x-copycat.livejournal.com]

It's very catchy, I promise, and we'll see about getting a Cash tribute singer to do it up in the bet Cash approximation we can get for you.

[x-dominion.livejournal.com]

Remind me to think of a way to get you arrested at some point, well you? Likely after the tribute concert, of course.

[x-copycat.livejournal.com]

Now, now, darling, don't you know that I'm a thoroughly law abiding citizen while on US soil? It's one of my rules.

And it's just no fun if you're not the one putting the cuffs on me. ;)

[x-dominion.livejournal.com]

I'm with the FBI. When has the person needing to be guilty ever stopped us?

[x-copycat.livejournal.com]

So you'll have your boss take me in, cavity search me for good measure and let me sit in lock up for 72 hrs? All because I'm trying to ensure you're immortalized in song? I'm hurt. Wounded, really.

[x-dominion.livejournal.com]

Of course not. I'd send at least a dozen agents to take you in. Momma didn't raise no fools.

[x-copycat.livejournal.com]

I'm flattered that you think I'm a big enough threat to warrant a dozen highly trained, skilled federal agents. You know how to make a girl feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside.

[x-dominion.livejournal.com]

Hey, I want at least a couple of them to make it back in one piece...

[x-copycat.livejournal.com]

I'll have you know I very rarely go for severing limbs or decapitation. It makes things so much messier and messy attracts attention.

[x-cypher.livejournal.com]

...now which one of you considers this their version of foreplay?

Fess up, because I could see it being either one.

[x-copycat.livejournal.com]

My version of foreplay doesn't involve handcuffs, surprise surprise, so that leaves our illustrious Mountie.